Thursday, July 26, 2012

One of lifes greatest pains!

Hi all,
Sorry I havnt been back here for a while.  Ive been quite unwell.  You see the sad news is that we lost our little 'suprise' on Monday 2nd July 2012.
I have been on a weird and strange roller coaster of emotions since then.
Let me explain our story...
Sunday1st June, I wasnt feeling the greatest.  I had a headache that had been nagging all day.  I was feeling sick, tired, achy and just unwell.  I put it all down to pregnancy hormones and being away and in the car for too long.

Sunday night around 10pm, i went to the toilet and there I saw the most undesirable thing a pregnant woman could see while pregnant...Blood!
I wiped again thinking it may just be a small amout but no...there was more, alot more. :(
As it was school holidays my kids were still awake.  Trying to hold back the tears I called my husband into our bedroom.  As soon as the door was shut I burst into tears.  He asked what was wrong and I told him.
He tried to comfort me saying things like "it might stop" "cant that happen in pregnancy?" "It'll be ok"
Just like my firt miscarraige...I just knew.  A woman has a strange way of 'just knowing' when we're pregnant and we also have a way when its slipping away.  I sat in bed and, sobbed uncontrollably.
My kids were wondering what was happening but my husband just said it ok and put them to bed.
I took some panadole and my husband told me to get some sleep and we'll see how we are in the morning.
Was he kidding? I tossed and turned all night, my baby was in my thoughts the whole time and each time i fully woke I teared up.

The next morning I woke at 7am.  I went to the toilet and yep...sure enough lots more heavy bleeding...this time accompanied with lots of pain,
My husband wonderfully organised the day off work, dropped the kids at a friends place and drove me to the hospital.
By this stage the pain was getting alot worse.  I had a heat bag for the pain.

When we arrived at the hospital they took me straight in.  Took my details and bloodpressure.  That was all over the place. I felt dizzy and sad.
Once they got me into a bed they took blood test and they needed and they needed a urine sample.
I was ushered down to the toilets with plastic specimen bottle in hand.
As I peeed, I felt a strange sensation.
I looked down and saw a blood clot, then again another much bigger clot right after.  Perfectly round bubble like.

Right there, staring at me in the hospital toilet was what I believed to love!

Weirdly for a moment I was thinking of fishing it out...yep.  Discusting, but at times like this you do think very bizzare things...but then I thought..'ugh, it a public hospital toilet...who knows what I could catch'
I stood there staring at it for while, crying.
I hesitated to flush the toilet but I had to.  When I did, this terrifying thought went through my head..."UGH, I JUST FLUSHED MY BABY DOWN THE TOILET"  I started sobbing again.
Anyway, I cleaned up and pulled myself together.

I walked out of the toilet and handed to specimen jar to the nurse.  She said to me "are you ok?"  I starting to tell her what happened in the toilet but started crying again, I couldnt get it out.  I finally did.  He rubbed my shoulder and told me to lie down and rest.  I hugged my husband and just cried and cried.

I was taken for an ultra sound and was told "there was no visable matter left" {Nice way to talk about my baby, huh?}
After being in the hospital for a few hours my blood test came back too, and said that the pregnancy hormone is still there but dropped dramaticaly since my last blood test (the ones I had the week earlier that appeared to be perfectly fine). 
They sent me on my way home and told me that i must have had a complete miscarraige.  I was told to just go home and rest.

Which I did. 

I layed in bed and slept till dinner time.  When i woke my husband came home with the kids.
We told the kids and they were devistated.
Mis mimi just broke down and cried her little heart out, and Little T just went deathly silent. With a few tears rolling down his cheek.
My babies broke my heart as I know exactly how they feel.
I had no answers, no reasons just cuddles and lots of love.

 We got pizza for dinner that night, rented out 'toothfairy 2' and chilled out.
We had a lazy, chilled out night,  Bedtimes didnt count, nutrition went out the window.  It was all about comfort and healing.  Which as a family we are still trying to do.

We planted a beautiful gardenia tree at our front door in rememberance of our little poppy seed.  (nicknamed as we imagined the tiny size of a poppy seed as the size of the baby...even though it was actually about small fingernail size) Placed at the front door so we can see it everyday.

3 and a half weeks later...this is where Im at.
I thought I was going ok.  I rested for a few days and got back into life.  I was going to the gym, shopping...going about as normal.  As though nothing happend.
Im due to get my next period tomorrow and I feel so yuck.
Im so hormonal, cranky, tired, and emotional.
Im angry, sad and fragile.
I have constant headaches and my body hurts.
Im tired and just want to sleep. 
I want to hide.
I feel as though Ive had a slight delayed reaction with the whole ordeal.  Yesterday i thought alot about my baby.  It realy actually sunk in what happened. 

I have put on loads of weight, got pimples and look anemic.
im constipated.  I feel nauseas 24/7.

Im going to get another check up with my doctor and see a natropath again.  I just feel unwell.

Overall, it just sucks!

I know I will be ok.  I know life goes on and things will ease.  But for now Im just taking life slow.  Being with my family and keeping warm.